October 17, 2026

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Rambling Donnie Confesses, ‘I Have Some Very Severe Problems’

In a strange moment of what can only be called accidental honesty, Donald Trump admitted that he has “some very severe problems,” and also praised reporters who cover him as “wonderful people.”

Speaking from the Rose Garden, Trump remarked, “You know, I’m fortunate. I don’t smoke, and I don’t drink. And I have no longing to drink. My friends, they drink, and they have a real hard time. You know, they’re addicted. They have a real hard time staying away.”

“And drugs, probably even more so, probably the same, but as alcohol,” he added. “But if you don’t drink, or if you don’t take drugs, or if you don’t smoke, there’s no problem. I have other problems. I have some very severe problems. But those are not one of them. I don’t want to add them to the list.”

“So it’s three problems I don’t have. And it’s really good. Now they’re gonna— the press is gonna say, ‘What problem does he have? Let’s figure it out.’ I probably set myself up for that one.”

“I was just having fun to the media. They’re wonderful people.”

Since Dementia Don didn’t specify, it’s left up to us to surmise what his “severe problems” are. Here’s a few guesses: He’s a rapist. He lusts after underage girls. He has expressed sexual attraction to his own daughter. He’s a misogynist. He’s a pathological liar. Oh, and he’s also the worst U.S. president since Herbert Hoover.

Social media users also had some thoughts on the so-called “president’s” problems:

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Anna Maklin

I recently graduated from the University of Missouri with a degree in journalism and live in the Midwest.
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